RIP Harley Thompson

My dad passed away April 19th, 10 days after my 28th birthday.  He got me two cards, I can’t even look at them without crying and can’t throw them away.  At 7pm  I found him cold laying in a pool of blood.  The worst moment im my life thus far.  Sometimes at night I relive that night.  Opening the door, seeing the blood on his bed, then on the floor and around the corner he is laying naked with blood underneath him, internal bleeding.  I kneel next to him, "Daddy?!?! Oh my GOD!!! Daddy???!". I touch his face, its cold, I expected him to open his eyes and look at me, but he never did.  I grab the phone and run back outside where Ivan and the girls waited for me, I knew something was wrong, he didn’t answer my calls all day.  The first number I dialed it rang and rang then nothing, maybe I dialed it wrong, I hang up and pay attention this time, dialing 911…"What’s your emergency?" the lady says, "My dad is dead!!" I stay on the phone with her crying on my knees in the front yard.  I called my mom.  I miss him, I miss talking to him almost every day, I miss seeing him every weekend.  I miss his laugh his hug.  The poor dog had been in there with his bloody body all day, I put her out back when the ambulance comes.  No autopsy, he was an alcoholic, his liver was failing, among other things.  He couldn’t enjoy life, he was lost and confused and lonely, I hope he is at peace, at some better place, but I can’t be sure, he lived his life in sin, and although he loved God, I wonder if he prayed his last moments laying there bleeding on the floor.  I love you daddy always your little girl, Nicole
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over 2 months

So Ivan and I have been dating for over 2 months now….kinda seems longer actually.  I am staying with my friend at his house Ivan is staying with me.  It wasn’t supposed to be perminant, just kinda happened….now he can’t go back to where he was so oh well….it isn’t bothering me I enjoy NOT sleeping alone, plus I get some every night which keeps me happy lol! Last week I was really depressed.  I overdrew my bank account like I wasn’t screwed to begin with already, sigh!! My ex was texting me wanting to have sex with me even though he has a girlfriend, he is texting me while he is with her and shit!! It’s funny I laugh, because I know that I could have him back in a heartbeat, but this dumb bitch Jennie thinks that his love for her is greater than the love he still feels for me…we were together for 10 years almost 11, get over it bitch….shit….she goes through his phone and says she trusts him, she just doesn’t trust ME?!? I’m like HELLO I DUMPED HIM….fucking bitches…I did start to wonder if I made a huge mistake, I mean marriage is supposed to be "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" blah blah blah, is it ME did I not do what I am supposed to as a wife? I worked for 3 years supporting him hoping he would go back to work, get off the meth, etc…and it never happened.  Is he sober now, I don’t know I found meth bags in his wallet and his girlfriend was a known meth user as well, so I doubt he is sober…but not MY problem anymore….

Lovely isn’t it…

So after another GREAT weekend with my bf I find myself totally wanting to be with him 24/7 but afraid that living with him would chase him away.  Plus I have my kids mental welfare, I don’t think they are quite ready and honestly neither am I…..I just enjoy being with him.  The kids love him I love him, wtf else could a girl want….well mostly the fact that he isn’t in a position for a family right now mostly stops me.  I mentioned the idea of him usuing me so he had a place to live, so he hasn’t brought that up he plans on doing it himself, and altho he has lived and paid bills and stuff I think I need to let him do it, because its part of growing up, a lesson my ex never learned, was how to take care of himself…obviously still not learning now that he found another woman (who my kids tell me is married!! LMAO) to take care of him, he’s off my back now THANK YOU LORD…
I’m going to have to live in the ghetto tho 😦 I’m sooo scared its not even funny… I have bad luck with apartments in the ghetto and my neighbors, the only two apartments I lived in in Tacoma, there were murders at both, both drug related and one I coulda been shot had I been home cuz I had bullet holes in my ceiling….but its that or being homeless….only for 6 months I’m going to fix my fucking credit get my divorce finalized and then maybe move in with my bf if we are still together, I try to keep my distance because I know he is going to meet someone his age and move on, I mentioned that to him and he said he didn’t think so….I’m still kinda thrown off, he hasn’t told me I’m beautiful or sexi or anything like that…I’m way curious as to why, but does it make me shallow to outright ask if he thinks I’m pretty? I find it best to just leave it…he blows my mind away I can’t stop staring at him, he is so cute and nothing he does is annoying to me well yet….he has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) to an extent, he constantly pics loose hair and fuzzies off my shirt, but I don’t mind…
I totally am shocked at my feelings for him, are they for real or just some rebound shit? I don’t think so I went through the rebound shit with Shane…I look at him and I feel this love that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I want to fucking marry him, like I seriously thought of asking him that, even tho I don’t know about marriage and am still legally married, but only got to fill out some financial paperwork to get that taken care of…sigh, ok going to try and work and stop thinking bout my love, as its 4 more days until I can hold kiss touch him again :(…