The Alcoholic’s Daughter

My father was an alcoholic, and a drug abuser, since before I was born…it killed him before he could celebrate his 50th birthday.  Before he died, he was an 80-year-old man, couldn’t remember anything, barely could walk or go to the bathroom, he couldn’t care for himself at all.

Since his passing I have found many letters, journals, pictures…my dad wasn’t just an alcoholic, he was gay, so the pictures, a little disturbing… anyways in his journals are his secrets, his demons that kept him from reaching his goal of being sober.  My dad was in inpatient 4 times that I know of, who knows how many outpaitient…they worked, but the demons always won and in the end, it left him on the floor, with a beer, bleeding on the rug for his daughter to find that night.

My dad and mom married 2 months before I was born.  My dad was a party animal  and wasn’t around much.  My mom and him fought all the time over his drinking, he would steal our food money, rent money, etc to go party.  Disappear for days and days.  In my father’s journals he writes about how he knows he is hurting me, how he wants to protect me from his disease, but he never did. 

At 16 I told my dad I didn’t want my daughter to see him drunk and mean all the time, like I had seen him.  He told me I wasn’t a good enough reason for him to quit, those painful words still ring in my ears.  So I quit talking to him.  My dad was such an awful man, he did terrible things to me, things I can’t even admit.  When I was 18 and my father was in his last inpatient, he sent me like a 5 page letter, finally admitting the abuse he caused me when I was 6 and apologizing, for years I thought maybe it was only a nightmare, that it didn’t really happen.

My dad was great too, my best friend, I could tell him anything.  We played golf, tennis, rode bikes, had tons of fun.  I loved him so very much.  I knew he was killing himself I knew he would die.  I didn’t think I would miss him so much, that every day would be a struggle.  That I would miss calling him, going over and seeing him and most of all the delicious food he would cook for us when we visited. 

My father died 10 days after my birthday, then 3 days later I was served with court papers by my meth addicted ex husband thanks to the help of his mother.  My life is in such a tornado, every day I am unsure of what to do, I stay strong for my family because they need me to, but I really just want to cry….and cry…like I did the night I found my father, dead

New Life

So after years of struggle in my marriage, I finally feel some peace. A little heart ache that it didn’t work, that I had to get divorced the one reason why I waited 7 years to get married in the first place came to pass anyway.  Just God’s way of showing you that His plans will over rule yours everytime I guess.  I met someone else, well I’ve known him for a while.  I didn’t really wanna date him though as I am still married and I have a lot in my life to straighten out, but he is cool and I get the time I need without him trippin bout me being with him all the time or anything, he understands.  I talk to him and being with him makes me happy. He makes me smile and laugh and when I’m with him I feel comforted and loved and in love.  Its too soon my mind keeps telling my heart, but the heart cannot help but to feel what it wants.  There is a huge age difference, but him and I have so much in common its scary, he percieves life similar to me and we like a lot of the same shit, something I didn’t have in my last relationship.  He is very gentle in his touch and kisses, a little too gentle as I usually like it rough, but it still feels great and makes me tingle all over.  He asked me to be his girlfriend on the 16th, I accepted although I fought with it for a while. There are many logical reasons for not being with him, why a long term relationship with him won’t  work, but the heart wants what the heart wants, so I am going with it, even though I’m so scared of the pain that follows….but you can’t stop yourself from loving no matter how hard you try, I’ve already learned that.
Mat having a new girlfriend….how do I feel I am really unsure, maybe a little jealous, but relief mostly because he isn’t obsessed with me anymore and I don’t have to worry bout his threats of taking my kids or anything so it mostly good, plus she has nothing on me anyways lol.  And the fact that he is a awful partner, even when he worked all he did when he came home was eat and watch tv didn’t spend any time with me really….good luck for both of us…and I will keep him in my prayers of course, my kids deserve a good dad, a great dad and I hope he can do that.

Time

Time is of the essence, they say, but how much time do you put into a relationship, how do you know when it is time to give up on that relationship, when you don’t feel love anymore? I am in love and have been for a long time, most of my life when you look at how old i am (24) and the fact that I have loved him for 8 years, so it is a third of my life! That in itself is amazing. He is a good man, but he is incapable of making good choices, he sees his world as him being some thug having to sell drugs and gang bang, but I don’t see that at all and am unable to change his perception.  He loves me, I do not doubt that, but I don’t believe he would do anything for love, where love to me is the most important thing in the world, it is all you need right? I dunno, I find myself wondering if I am making the right choices, I pray to God and ask for guidence, but I hear no reply….I have started thinking alot about my soul and the fact that, I’m probably going to hell, I read the bible and a lot of those things God and Jesus want us to do, like forgiveness and love your enemy, I just cannot bring myself to do…..I’m going to hell and that truly scares me. I love God, but I am not perfect nor am I even close to being so, God will forgive my sins yes, but can he forgive someone who continually asks for forgiveness and does the same shit over after she is forgiven? I wonder that about my father and his alcoholism, he said to me he asks for forgiveness, but can God still forgive you if you continue to do it after you have asked for the forgiveness???? Okay I have wondered on and on and on and I just needed to write some stuff that has been weighing hard on my heart mind and soul…this is for myself to get these pent up feelings out not for anyone to really read

No Love

Love has forsaken me, it has forgotten me it has left me behind with my heart’s pieces in my hand
The pieces are jagged and have cut me and my blood falls on the floor. People pass and do not see the pool of blood and tears that has formed, I’m slowly drowning in my own pain and misery, no one can save me, I will never be set free.  Everyone I have ever loved is dead or never could love me. Why? Because I myself am Misery, Pain, Despair and Hate, evrything Love is not and so it passed me by.  But then Love decided to play a cruel trick, to give me a love I thought had grown into something perfect and at the moment I found my pure happiness and the hate started to fade, Love laughed at me while it tore it all away and now I’m drowning in my blood and tears…………

Pain

I have felt the pain of being in love.  The pain which overbears the love you feel.  The pain which screams out to me all day and night.  I cry myself to sleep, I cry on my way to work and on my way home, only where no one can see or hear me.  I have felt this pain before, I have been depressed and ready to die as before, but it had gone away, the love of my life had taken away my pain that I had as a teenager, he showed me that he loved me where no one in my life ever had, but just as quick as he healed my heart he too broke it and brought all the pain back. This time it is worse, this time I know there is no love for me, maybe no one can ever love me, maybe it just isn’t meant to be.  I want the Lord to take me now to save me from the heartache which is slowly killing me anyways.  I want all the people who lie, cheat and decieve their loved ones to feel the pain they have caused them.  I want my husband to feel the pain his lies, cheating, and deciet has caused me. I want him to suffer because he is the one who did all the wrong, not me, but I am the one who pays for it daily.  Daily I pray for the Lord to save me to take me out of this place to make the hurt go away.  No one loves me, no one knows the meaning of love anymore, no one cares about anyone or loves anyone but themselves anymore.  I have made mistakes. I have hurt others as they have hurt me, but I’m done. DO YOU HEAR ME LORD I’M DONE, I DON’T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE, I DON’T THE PAIN. I hate the life I have been given I hate the parents who did not care, I hate the fact that the only people who did ever love me as a child are gone, all but my grandpa, I hate it that you took my grandma after she fought so hard against cancer for almost 10 years, I hate the fact that she was a good christian woman but she had to suffer through so much, why couldn’t You taken her quietly. Why did You take away all the things she loved before dying.  She loved to walk, swim, and spend time with me and my cousin, but towards the end she couldn’t do any of those things, she just sat in that chair and awaited death.
I’m done with this world with this life I just want to die, please come get me……………………………………