The Alcoholic’s Daughter

My father was an alcoholic, and a drug abuser, since before I was born…it killed him before he could celebrate his 50th birthday.  Before he died, he was an 80-year-old man, couldn’t remember anything, barely could walk or go to the bathroom, he couldn’t care for himself at all.

Since his passing I have found many letters, journals, pictures…my dad wasn’t just an alcoholic, he was gay, so the pictures, a little disturbing… anyways in his journals are his secrets, his demons that kept him from reaching his goal of being sober.  My dad was in inpatient 4 times that I know of, who knows how many outpaitient…they worked, but the demons always won and in the end, it left him on the floor, with a beer, bleeding on the rug for his daughter to find that night.

My dad and mom married 2 months before I was born.  My dad was a party animal  and wasn’t around much.  My mom and him fought all the time over his drinking, he would steal our food money, rent money, etc to go party.  Disappear for days and days.  In my father’s journals he writes about how he knows he is hurting me, how he wants to protect me from his disease, but he never did. 

At 16 I told my dad I didn’t want my daughter to see him drunk and mean all the time, like I had seen him.  He told me I wasn’t a good enough reason for him to quit, those painful words still ring in my ears.  So I quit talking to him.  My dad was such an awful man, he did terrible things to me, things I can’t even admit.  When I was 18 and my father was in his last inpatient, he sent me like a 5 page letter, finally admitting the abuse he caused me when I was 6 and apologizing, for years I thought maybe it was only a nightmare, that it didn’t really happen.

My dad was great too, my best friend, I could tell him anything.  We played golf, tennis, rode bikes, had tons of fun.  I loved him so very much.  I knew he was killing himself I knew he would die.  I didn’t think I would miss him so much, that every day would be a struggle.  That I would miss calling him, going over and seeing him and most of all the delicious food he would cook for us when we visited. 

My father died 10 days after my birthday, then 3 days later I was served with court papers by my meth addicted ex husband thanks to the help of his mother.  My life is in such a tornado, every day I am unsure of what to do, I stay strong for my family because they need me to, but I really just want to cry….and cry…like I did the night I found my father, dead

RIP Harley Thompson

My dad passed away April 19th, 10 days after my 28th birthday.  He got me two cards, I can’t even look at them without crying and can’t throw them away.  At 7pm  I found him cold laying in a pool of blood.  The worst moment im my life thus far.  Sometimes at night I relive that night.  Opening the door, seeing the blood on his bed, then on the floor and around the corner he is laying naked with blood underneath him, internal bleeding.  I kneel next to him, "Daddy?!?! Oh my GOD!!! Daddy???!". I touch his face, its cold, I expected him to open his eyes and look at me, but he never did.  I grab the phone and run back outside where Ivan and the girls waited for me, I knew something was wrong, he didn’t answer my calls all day.  The first number I dialed it rang and rang then nothing, maybe I dialed it wrong, I hang up and pay attention this time, dialing 911…"What’s your emergency?" the lady says, "My dad is dead!!" I stay on the phone with her crying on my knees in the front yard.  I called my mom.  I miss him, I miss talking to him almost every day, I miss seeing him every weekend.  I miss his laugh his hug.  The poor dog had been in there with his bloody body all day, I put her out back when the ambulance comes.  No autopsy, he was an alcoholic, his liver was failing, among other things.  He couldn’t enjoy life, he was lost and confused and lonely, I hope he is at peace, at some better place, but I can’t be sure, he lived his life in sin, and although he loved God, I wonder if he prayed his last moments laying there bleeding on the floor.  I love you daddy always your little girl, Nicole

over 2 months

So Ivan and I have been dating for over 2 months now….kinda seems longer actually.  I am staying with my friend at his house Ivan is staying with me.  It wasn’t supposed to be perminant, just kinda happened….now he can’t go back to where he was so oh well….it isn’t bothering me I enjoy NOT sleeping alone, plus I get some every night which keeps me happy lol! Last week I was really depressed.  I overdrew my bank account like I wasn’t screwed to begin with already, sigh!! My ex was texting me wanting to have sex with me even though he has a girlfriend, he is texting me while he is with her and shit!! It’s funny I laugh, because I know that I could have him back in a heartbeat, but this dumb bitch Jennie thinks that his love for her is greater than the love he still feels for me…we were together for 10 years almost 11, get over it bitch….shit….she goes through his phone and says she trusts him, she just doesn’t trust ME?!? I’m like HELLO I DUMPED HIM….fucking bitches…I did start to wonder if I made a huge mistake, I mean marriage is supposed to be "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer" blah blah blah, is it ME did I not do what I am supposed to as a wife? I worked for 3 years supporting him hoping he would go back to work, get off the meth, etc…and it never happened.  Is he sober now, I don’t know I found meth bags in his wallet and his girlfriend was a known meth user as well, so I doubt he is sober…but not MY problem anymore….

Lovely isn’t it…

So after another GREAT weekend with my bf I find myself totally wanting to be with him 24/7 but afraid that living with him would chase him away.  Plus I have my kids mental welfare, I don’t think they are quite ready and honestly neither am I…..I just enjoy being with him.  The kids love him I love him, wtf else could a girl want….well mostly the fact that he isn’t in a position for a family right now mostly stops me.  I mentioned the idea of him usuing me so he had a place to live, so he hasn’t brought that up he plans on doing it himself, and altho he has lived and paid bills and stuff I think I need to let him do it, because its part of growing up, a lesson my ex never learned, was how to take care of himself…obviously still not learning now that he found another woman (who my kids tell me is married!! LMAO) to take care of him, he’s off my back now THANK YOU LORD…
I’m going to have to live in the ghetto tho 😦 I’m sooo scared its not even funny… I have bad luck with apartments in the ghetto and my neighbors, the only two apartments I lived in in Tacoma, there were murders at both, both drug related and one I coulda been shot had I been home cuz I had bullet holes in my ceiling….but its that or being homeless….only for 6 months I’m going to fix my fucking credit get my divorce finalized and then maybe move in with my bf if we are still together, I try to keep my distance because I know he is going to meet someone his age and move on, I mentioned that to him and he said he didn’t think so….I’m still kinda thrown off, he hasn’t told me I’m beautiful or sexi or anything like that…I’m way curious as to why, but does it make me shallow to outright ask if he thinks I’m pretty? I find it best to just leave it…he blows my mind away I can’t stop staring at him, he is so cute and nothing he does is annoying to me well yet….he has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) to an extent, he constantly pics loose hair and fuzzies off my shirt, but I don’t mind…
I totally am shocked at my feelings for him, are they for real or just some rebound shit? I don’t think so I went through the rebound shit with Shane…I look at him and I feel this love that I haven’t felt in a long time.  I want to fucking marry him, like I seriously thought of asking him that, even tho I don’t know about marriage and am still legally married, but only got to fill out some financial paperwork to get that taken care of…sigh, ok going to try and work and stop thinking bout my love, as its 4 more days until I can hold kiss touch him again :(…

New Life

So after years of struggle in my marriage, I finally feel some peace. A little heart ache that it didn’t work, that I had to get divorced the one reason why I waited 7 years to get married in the first place came to pass anyway.  Just God’s way of showing you that His plans will over rule yours everytime I guess.  I met someone else, well I’ve known him for a while.  I didn’t really wanna date him though as I am still married and I have a lot in my life to straighten out, but he is cool and I get the time I need without him trippin bout me being with him all the time or anything, he understands.  I talk to him and being with him makes me happy. He makes me smile and laugh and when I’m with him I feel comforted and loved and in love.  Its too soon my mind keeps telling my heart, but the heart cannot help but to feel what it wants.  There is a huge age difference, but him and I have so much in common its scary, he percieves life similar to me and we like a lot of the same shit, something I didn’t have in my last relationship.  He is very gentle in his touch and kisses, a little too gentle as I usually like it rough, but it still feels great and makes me tingle all over.  He asked me to be his girlfriend on the 16th, I accepted although I fought with it for a while. There are many logical reasons for not being with him, why a long term relationship with him won’t  work, but the heart wants what the heart wants, so I am going with it, even though I’m so scared of the pain that follows….but you can’t stop yourself from loving no matter how hard you try, I’ve already learned that.
Mat having a new girlfriend….how do I feel I am really unsure, maybe a little jealous, but relief mostly because he isn’t obsessed with me anymore and I don’t have to worry bout his threats of taking my kids or anything so it mostly good, plus she has nothing on me anyways lol.  And the fact that he is a awful partner, even when he worked all he did when he came home was eat and watch tv didn’t spend any time with me really….good luck for both of us…and I will keep him in my prayers of course, my kids deserve a good dad, a great dad and I hope he can do that.

Time

Time is of the essence, they say, but how much time do you put into a relationship, how do you know when it is time to give up on that relationship, when you don’t feel love anymore? I am in love and have been for a long time, most of my life when you look at how old i am (24) and the fact that I have loved him for 8 years, so it is a third of my life! That in itself is amazing. He is a good man, but he is incapable of making good choices, he sees his world as him being some thug having to sell drugs and gang bang, but I don’t see that at all and am unable to change his perception.  He loves me, I do not doubt that, but I don’t believe he would do anything for love, where love to me is the most important thing in the world, it is all you need right? I dunno, I find myself wondering if I am making the right choices, I pray to God and ask for guidence, but I hear no reply….I have started thinking alot about my soul and the fact that, I’m probably going to hell, I read the bible and a lot of those things God and Jesus want us to do, like forgiveness and love your enemy, I just cannot bring myself to do…..I’m going to hell and that truly scares me. I love God, but I am not perfect nor am I even close to being so, God will forgive my sins yes, but can he forgive someone who continually asks for forgiveness and does the same shit over after she is forgiven? I wonder that about my father and his alcoholism, he said to me he asks for forgiveness, but can God still forgive you if you continue to do it after you have asked for the forgiveness???? Okay I have wondered on and on and on and I just needed to write some stuff that has been weighing hard on my heart mind and soul…this is for myself to get these pent up feelings out not for anyone to really read

No Love

Love has forsaken me, it has forgotten me it has left me behind with my heart’s pieces in my hand
The pieces are jagged and have cut me and my blood falls on the floor. People pass and do not see the pool of blood and tears that has formed, I’m slowly drowning in my own pain and misery, no one can save me, I will never be set free.  Everyone I have ever loved is dead or never could love me. Why? Because I myself am Misery, Pain, Despair and Hate, evrything Love is not and so it passed me by.  But then Love decided to play a cruel trick, to give me a love I thought had grown into something perfect and at the moment I found my pure happiness and the hate started to fade, Love laughed at me while it tore it all away and now I’m drowning in my blood and tears…………

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